The Not-So-Good Days

It seems that I spend a fair amount of time concentrating on the positive energies in my life. And I'm happy that people see that in me, or at least I hope they do. However there are the days when I'm not feeling so happy and vibrant, and somehow that seems to be deemed unacceptable to some people. I had a boyfriend once tell me that it wasn't ok for me to be in a bad mood, because I'm always in a good mood. I don't like to feel like this. It's definitely not the modus operandi I prefer... but it happens.

I know there are friends I could lean on, and sometimes do. But knowing this is temporary, or at least the feelings are if not the situation behind it, I don't like to make issue of it. Sometimes though, I don't know how to counteract it. At those times, such as now, I worry. Afraid to move in any direction, immobilized by fear, and feeling lost and lonely.

Glad to be Home

I arrived back home in Wenatchee, WA. I felt really good to be here. It's the first time I appreciated the small town atmosphere, maybe not all aspects of it, but the ones that matter to me. Such as being able to fall in love with the stars almost every night. It's good to be home.

Raindrops on Glass

I was sitting in the car listening to my temporary Austin boyfriend drivelling on about how his plans for the day were ruined due to rain, and how bored he was already. I thought to myself how much beauty there is this world, and how he somehow seemed to miss it. As he continued in his commisery, I let my my mind wonder to the rain falling outside. "God is in the rain," I heard in my head, a line from the movie "V for Vendetta". I unfocused my sight and let in the whole scene of the rain, rivulets stampeding to the drain, droplets caressing the leaves of a nearby bushes, and the somber drifting of the soft greyish cloud. Then I noticed the raindrops hitting the window just inches from my nose. The water sheeted over the glass, and each droplet warpng the light creating a kaliedascope of the colors on the other side of the window. I almost wept at the simplicity and beauty of it. I sat dazzled. This world is truly gorgeous.
  • Current Music
    Royksopp - This Must Be It

Always a Reason

I move to Atlanta because I felt drawn here for whatever reason. I felt it was time to start anew, meet new people and to begin living a life of my own again. I had high hopes and expected, for better or worse, things would start looking up in my life. I felt the Universe had answered my prayers, so to speak. I wish I had listened more carefully, however the Great Mystery has a way of making delicious lemonade from seemingly bad apples. :)

My experience here has been frustrating, at times depressing, and until the last week or so, very confusing. There have been brilliant, wonderful moments as well; reminders of the phenomenal things in my life. My faemily here in Atlanta, Ginger Blue, Ribbit, and Jimmy Bee, have been so supportive and generous... they made weathering this experience so much easier that it could have been. Elwood, my wise beloved friend... one phone call, at the exact right time made that moment calm and full of love, instead of the raging storm it was becoming. The brother of my spirit, Aeolus has been a my emotional pillar. His encouraging words and insights kept me full of hope in the moments when I thought I might falter. I am so grateful and blessed to have the love of friends like these.

So the last week and half has been one "aha" moment after the next. I now know why I'm here in Atlanta, at least I feel that it all has a purpose. And the bottom line, it was to open my heart to being loved. Accepting being loved has been a struggle for me most of my adult life. And lately, I've never felt more love from those I love.

Even the attempted relationship with a man I met right after I moved here has led me to finding myself and learning to love myself. The experience opened my mind to accepting that I do want a relationship, as much as I want anything else, but not at the cost of myself. His ego-centric nature that surrounds and defends a wonderful man was so hard to penetrate, and somewhat demeaning in the process, that I realized I don't want to be with someone who can't open up and be as vulnerable to me as I am to them.

And then there is Doyle. My friend who has loved me for years through everything. We met five or so years in Dallas, TX. We loved each other instantly, and had a mad passion for one another. But that scared me at the time. And looking back, we both agree it wouldn't have worked at the time.  We both need to do some growing.  But now. Now I'm ready. Now he's ready.

For many of my friends this may seem sudden or out of left field, but it's not. It's been a long time in the making. That's not to say I'm not cautious or have my concerns, but the difference is I can talk to Doyle about it. And he listens, and shares the concerns, but wants to go forward together.

So in my excitement of sharing with some of my friends, it cross my mind to be nervous for a moment... and I open my Yahoo page, and this was my horoscope:

It might not be easy for you to open up about your feelings right now, but if you want to have someone in your life, you need to let them in. It's time to let down your guard and show someone just how much you trust them by sharing a secret or a wish. You don't have to listen to your doubts or fears of rejection anymore. Listen to your own heart and understand that you are capable of handling whatever consequences your actions bring your way. Be vulnerable.

So in the end I'm grateful for what I've gone through. I'm strong in myself, and have faith that my spirit know what I want, and leads me in the right direction, even when I interfere. And now it's time to have what I want. It is time for me to love and be loved. And I am so grateful Doyle never let go and never stopped loving me.


Romantic Foolishness?

When I think of love, romantic love, why is it I still wish and hope for the kind of love we see in movies. That kind of love that sweeps you off your feet. The kind of love that makes looking into each others eyes an event in and of itself. The kind of love that allows for time to stand still when your lips touch. The kind of love that makes being vulnerable to one another seem natural and easy.

It seems like I touch on this feeling on ocassion. Even flickers of it recently. But I ask myself, is this too much to expect from someone? Is it romantic foolishness?

Sorting It Out.

I met a man recently. It was a profound and thrilling moment. When our eyes met there was an intense energetic connection. I knew in that moment he was going to be important to me, and that I would love him. I still don't know exactly what that means, but I'm willing to take the time to figure it out. There's definitely an attraction. He's beautiful, inside and out. I love that he lives his life by his own standards. He's inspiring to me in that aspect, but it's also been difficult.

He has asked some tough questions, the kind that make you think, at least have made me think. Some have been a bit confusing for me. I wish I could discern his motivation in some of his questions. Is he interested in my life? Does he want to to know how or if I could fit into his? Is he testing my awareness of myself? Is he just being antagonistic? Regardless, it has done one thing for me, I've started examining some aspects of who I am, but in a more discerning way than I have in the past. Particularly about relationships and sex.

This has sparked a me to ask myself some questions. What is my perspective about relationships? What kind of relationship do I want? What do I need in a relationship? From sex? What does sex mean to me? And how did I get to where I am today? My initial thoughts made me realize how much I've allowed some ideas, values, and experiences in the gay community to influence my own, whether or not I believe in them. The first thing I've concluded is that I haven't even held true to my own feelings about love, friendship, intimacy, and sex. How did I get so far from where I started?

I've done a great deal of thinking and writing about all of this. I know what I want. I know what I want in and from a relationship. And I know that I'm not going to settle for anything less.
  • Current Mood
    calm calm

Confusion & Clarity

I've always felt that I'm a pretty level-headed person with the exception of that which deals with attractions and relationships. I wish I could say I've learned enough in my life to have a better understanding of these things, but even now it takes me some time to sort things out and find the right place for all of my feelings. What sparks this line of thought, you might ask... well, a man of course. A week ago today I met Carl. I've never felt the kind of chemistry I feel with him outside of Sacred Mountain Space before. And I knew when we met, and he has said as much since, that he feels a connection too. I immediately knew I'd love him.

But what is this connection? Where was it going to lead? How could I sustain it? Do I need to sustain it? Does he want to follow it too? I felt somewhat consumed by the excitement of it. I wanted to be with him, be near him, get to know him. He doesn't seem to mind having me around. Then we started the 'getting to know' process. And for some reason, our online profiles became a focus. Which led to some uncomfortable moments for me. Mine certainly do not reflect the part of me I thought they would. His point of view was a very good eye-opener for me. The things I left in my profiles show my insecurities and the walls I've let build up around as protection from my own feelings. And for the most part, he didn't seem to mind anything in them, but when he had a comment... well, I knew how he felt.

Carl is very blunt, and not in a refined, savvy sort of way. He said to me just after meeting that I'm not usually what he's attracted to, in regards to my weight and stature. He assured me that he finds me attractive, but it was my energy that was the initial attraction, which is more important for him. But getting to know Carl has lead me to believe that his words don't necessarily express the full meaning of what he's trying to say sometimes. Goodness, I hope that's that case anyhow.

And then there was a statement in one of my profiles that said "Love kids, but not for me." Carl has a son, Nick. Nick is beautiful, sweet, and as loving as all get out. Meeting him blasted a mental box open I thought I'd locked away forever... it's been years since I've even considered having a child in my life. Circumstances so far that have included a child or the potential of children have been painful in the end for me. I thought it best to just give up on the idea of having a child in my life. But now... is it possible? I'm nervous to think about it, but how can I not adore Nick.

So just a few days ago, I realized that I was losing myself in the wash of all these old emotions, and even more so in the waves of the new emotions. I have to assume that Carl picked up on this. For my birthday he gave me a wonderful piece of green Fluorite. Fluorite in general helps to dispel chaos, through balancing energies. It also helps one open and see paths that are available. And of course there's more... but that's my next blog. Back to Carl, and with this gift and it's energetic properties, he says 'You're emotionally unstable'. This hurt my feelings. I don't think he meant it hurtfully. I think he meant he understood that I'm processing a lot of stuff, and this will help... but not what he said.

It's all been a wonderful experience so far. Getting to know someone new definitely has it's challenges. And the things I've said so far don't really do justice to what I feel is growing between us. You hear from people that have been in long term relationships that it's the small things that mean so much. Carl does small things, I'm not sure what that means yet, but it's comforting when he does... like last night. I said I was a little hungry. He got up and made me something to eat. It was sweet.

So the confusion is not completely gone. But that's ok, I don't have to figure it all out this very moment. Things with Carl with move forward in whatever way they need to. As to clarity, I feel that I'm gaining perspective on things again. Carl asked a lot of questions that confused the hell out of me. And in a way set his expectations for a relationship, whether he realizes that or not. In my confusion about everything, I fell into an old pattern of trying to please another without regard to myself. Clarity... clarity is discovering again that I'm allowed to be me. That relationships are two set of expectations melding together to reach a common goal, whilst allowing each other to be individuals. That I need to get right with my own wants and needs and see that they are met as well.

I feel Carl is a wonderful and loving person. I love him. However, there so much more to a relationship than love. I have to feel loved too, and therein lies my question... can Carl open up enough to let me in so that I don't feel alone in this. I think he wants to, but 'wanting' and 'doing' are not the same thing. And as with so many questions Carl has asked, it may be too early to know. Time will tell.
  • Current Music
    Sarah Brightman - Pie Jesu
OM, Henna

New Path

The last two and half weeks have been interesting to say the least. It seems like I've traversed a couple decades of emotions to arrive on a new path; a very different path than I had anticipated when I left Washington. I wish I could explain all of it, even if only for my own benefit. But I think the importance is not on where I've been, as much as where I'm going. New opportunities are presenting themselves and I'm trying to be open to them.

I've dreamed of having a life steeped in my spiritual practices... opening a healing center/ metaphysical shop, nurturing any talents I have, teaching metaphysics, healing, and the like... and have even tried to manifest this in my life previously. I learned a lot, but it wasn't to be at the time. Now, it seems that path is opening up... at least somewhat... there are things still unfolding. My hope is to combine my professional life and my spiritual life. I would love to use my knowledge and gifts in way that promotes healing, growth, and enlightenment for others, which in turn can only nurture the same in mine... and earn my living as well.

This weekend I attended a Psychic Fair. I did a few tarot readings for some of the readers, which felt really good. It has been a long time since I've done readings, and it felt amazing to feel those energies swirl around me again. I didn't even realize I missed it. Being a Reiki practitioner I'm used to feeling energies moving, but reading is very different. And there was something different in my readings, a lot more information for one. I saw images with some of my 'clients', and seem to recieve information that was related but not from the cards. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not sure what it all means yet. I've been told by various people throughout my life that I have talents and insights spiritually/psychically speaking... and I'm not sure what that means exactly. However, it seems it may be time to explore this.
  • Current Music
    Dead Can Dance - The Snake and the Moon

Burning Man 2009

I'm so EXCITED!!!! My tickets to Burning Man have been procured! Now all I have to do is figure out how to get there, save up some money to get supplies, and create my wardrobe for this year. I suppose I should start by getting a job.